Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
