I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
