I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
