Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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