I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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