is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
