i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
