i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
