Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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