why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
