I murdered the dance floor call the cops
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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