Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
