There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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