Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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