Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
