All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
