remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
