I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
