I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
