I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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