ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
