I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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