Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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