one might say we're banned from that church
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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