I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize