I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
