Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
