We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
