Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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