when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
