I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
