Dude my mom stole all your condoms
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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