If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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