the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The uberlube is also flammable
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
