in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
