i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
