Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
