I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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