I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
