I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
