Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
