My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
