My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
