is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This is my gift to your gina
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
