Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
