Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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