Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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