U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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