Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
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And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
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You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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