Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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