When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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