I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
