I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...