Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet