The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???