just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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