Is that why you're texting me
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!