You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
