Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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